perfecting the art

Written for those brave individuals choosing to procede after reading my previous article titled “The Art of Awkwardness”.

Imagine yourself as an actor. Stage lights dance and ripple in a fascinating medley. The audience goes wild. It’s a standing ovation. And you- you stand boldly in the spotlight. The very center of attention. If you paused a moment to think (which, you won’t because thinking leads to thoughtful behavior and that’s an absolute NO in the Art) you would feel utterly unworthy of applause or accolades of any sort. The actual success of your performance had little to nothing to do with you, really. You just got the timing right.

That’s what it’s all about in the end. Getting the timing right. Talk to any professional in the Art and they will be sure to tell you (in great and lengthy detail) just how important timing is in transforming some old rag of a moment into never-to-be-forgotten, excruciatingly awkward seconds of life.

For all young learners in the Art of awkwardness, I have collected a few tips and tricks of the trade over the recent years and feel to share them kindly with you. Listen carefully.

Choosing a stage: The stage. The extreme core of the Art. Without IT you would be nearly as lost as the kid next door. The overwhelming stress involved with choosing, not just a common old stage but the right fit for you causes most beginners to pull great handfuls of hair out and stomp back behind the curtains in a mighty huff. Luckily, you’re far more committed to the Art than that by this scene in the show. So to save you some stagefright; here are some good solid jumping off points (yes, they’re tested and proven) for your perfected performance:

• Most Sunday dinner tables
• All large church assemblies and gatherings
• Grocery stores; preferably crowded aisles or the checkout line
• Fancy restaurants housing waiters and waitresses in black ties
• Silent ball games

Choosing an audience: People. You cannot possibly expect to have a memorable awkward moment without quite a number of them present at the event. But, furthermore, just like the stage, it’s not just any people. Ask yourself what kind of people you want spectating as “it all goes down”? The type of audience you choose fully depends upon the nature of reactions you are aiming for. Here is a hand-picked list of several different categories of onlookers and bystanders and the typical responses they most often bring to the table:

• Innocent Peasants provide unbiased reactions (these are usually pretty hard to beat in my opinion).
• Pets such as aged Dogs and Cats provide startling reactions.
• Youth Girls provide dramatic reactions and the scream factor which is somewhat fulfilling.
• Youth at Ball Games provide either hilarious reactions or the glare factor.
• Housewives provide scandalized reactions plus the no-air factor.
• Other Professionals in the Art provide whooping, applauding, snorting and further such encouragements.

The all-important timing: As previously mentioned, timing is crucial to every soul who would dare to be great. It’s the nearly imperceptible line between true artistry and total failure. As difficult as it may appear as you first set foot on stage, it becomes a natural habit as you grow in experience and understanding. I have listed a few of the most popular of times for pulling off awkward moments for your personal benefit below:

• During the “Seven-Minute-Lull” in casual conversation
• In the moments directly before or after taking a sip of scorching hot coffee
• Anytime (and I mean anytime) while serving at a wedding
• Silent ball games

Nights of lying wide awake; sleep having fled the scene. Stomach butterflies at every social function. Never a moment without a hovering sense of impending disaster. Never a shot not taken.

You’ll never have to revert to bragging of dull moments. Ever. I promise.

-ck