the art of awkwardness

Have you ever noticed the fact that there is a particular category of people who seem not only to look for opportunity but actually enjoy proclaiming their social inability and awkwardness to the world? This dying breed appears nearly inhuman in their blatant disregard for self preservation and Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” concept. They disdain the inborn human tendency to hide behind the common facade of gracefulness even at the risk of losing credibility in the eyes of their peers who “have it together”. Sheds of tattered self-esteem hang around them in insignificant rags. No amount of embarrassment or personal discomfort is spared; anything and everything is instantly risked at the slightest possibility of “a good story”.

“Good stories” told by a professional in the art of awkwardness are much akin to “big fish stories” recounted by the old fisherman slouched his rickety rocking chair on the front porch of the local drugstore. The more eyes and ears in the immediate vicinity, the more wild the story becomes until at last it verges into absurdity. Lines between myth and reality become more blurred with every insane detail added to the plot. But people, as a rule, take interest in other people’s discomfort and the crowd to which to the story is told expands rapidly. The story itself spreads like wildfire in the wind.

But please don’t be fooled. There is a distinct difference between a rookie and a seasoned professional in the art of awkwardness. To take a simple faux pa and turn it into an absolute disaster takes more than just a mere human being prone to troubles and placed in unfortunate circumstances. It takes continuous effort, unmatched dedication, and constant discipline. Not only must you single-handedly escalate an innocent situation into a fiasco which all involved will spend decades trying to erase from their memories, but you must do so while appearing as surprised and mortified as everyone else. However, this is only a sliver of the mindset it takes to pull off the art of awkwardness without a catch. Far too many people these days destroy their socially awkward image by making obvious efforts in that direction. True awkwardness is painstakingly devised under the surface but is executed to occur (or at least to appear to occur) as a “freak accident” to bystanders and onlookers.

Now, I hear you ask, “How can I possibly develop such an elusive talent as the art of awkwardness?” Patiently, patiently. As the old adage goes, all good things worth having take time; and for reference sake, I shall add that wholely worthless, undesirable things take even more time. But take courage, fellow soldier. Someday you will stand on your mountaintop of unduly earned success and laugh down upon all those still struggling to recover from the boulders you dislodged while climbing. Persevere in your chosen profession… at your own risk.

-ck